Monday, January 13, 2014

It’s just a matter of time, hopefully

It’s been close to five years since a struggle began. A war between destiny and the destined; a war between God and his lesser creation; stars going berserk, paths criss-crossing with depression, dissatisfaction and learnings. Till about five years back, I was a pampered and protected child, unaware of how brutal the real world could be. All that glittered was gold, every person was sweet and deception was a concept that life taught me the hard way. If you are already yawning, I have spoilers. The rest of this blog post is a rant, a really long and to a certain extent a depressing rant.

There are a lot of emotions securely bottled inside me. With time, like wine, their flavours have started becoming bolder. So much, that I can hold them in any longer and I have decided to let them spill, in the form of words.

Moving out of Guwahati proved to be the biggest learning experience for me. The cane came down heavily, and every lesson I have learnt thus far in life, has left a bitter taste, every time. In Delhi, more often than not, I had the money, but I didn’t have food. I realised what hunger is. From someone who would get the first morsel of the magic ammai would whip up in the kitchen, I was reduced to someone who would go hungry almost everyday. Four square meals was too much of an asking. One shabby meal would look like a luxury. There were nights when I would feast on water, looking at pictures of food and snore away to glory, letting the rats inside my tummy have an annual sports extravaganza. But, I never cried. I would console myself by thinking that there are people who don’t even have a roof over their head to protect them from the ravages of nature. I told myself, “I’m better off. It’s just a matter of time.”

People bitched left, right and centre, questioning my intelligence, my capabilities and my talent. I let them bitch. It hurt, I admit. Thier actions spoke loud and their words spoke louder. This was life’s sadistic way of teaching me that there are different characters scattered all around us, and ignorance is bliss, perhaps. I told myself, “I have the education, and I will get the opportunities. I’ll make it large. It’s just a matter of time.”

Bombay opened a whole new window of opportunities for me, professionally. I had the best time ever, discovering little pockets of the city, the joys of local train rides, the pav bhajis and the vada pavs. I made friends, I bumped into people so talented, that I felt privileged. But then, life smirked at me again, saying well begun, but not done. I lost my wallet, my money, my job and I lost the support of people I considered friends. I stood on Marine Drive, alone, drenched in the rain that taught me yet another of its lessons. We bump into a lot of people in our lives, but not all of them walk us to our destinations. It’s our life and we need to walk alone, without holding hands with anyone else. We need to make choices, at times difficult ones, too. I was shattered, but then the city gave me enough strength to cope up. My spirit refused to die. I told myself, “Things will fall in place. It’s just a matter of time.”

But then, time seems to be enjoying playing games with me. Five years after this whole learning curve began, life still continues to teach me, in the oddest and saddest ways possible, at times testing my emotional strength, at times testing my health. There are people engrossed elsewhere when I talking to them, there are people who have claimed I am a hindrance for teamwork. There are people who’ve branded me as a motormouth, others who think I am far too arrogant. Some people believe that I’m good-for-nothing, others, well their bitch because they have nothing better to do.

All those people who have managed to prick me, thank you, for you have taught me the biggest and most useful lessons in my life. Others, who think I’m boring, I’d rather ignore you. You deserve more than that. People who’ve been riding on their wave of good luck pushing me down to drown and die, remember, every wave retreats back to where it belongs. It’s not too long before my day will come, and people who are forever busy now, will be the ones who will crave to have a slice of me. I will make it large. This I can promise. Till then, life, you can have the pleasure of testing me, you can’t crack my nerves. I’m still smiling, telling myself, “It’s just a matter of time.”